Am I Normal?

March 2, 2010 at 11:20 pm (Intro.)

For the past six years of my life I have dealt with anxiety and depression. I want to give you all some background on me to see where I am coming from.

When I was six years old, three out of four of my brothers sexually abused me on several different occasions. My dad was more concerned about dating other girls and my mom worked and went to school full-time. The only people left to watch me were my brothers. It wasn’t until I was fifteen that I finally told someone. I didn’t realize how much it had affected my life until I actually told someone else. I still can’t go into the details about my abuse because it is still difficult to talk about even to this day.

My parents got divorced when I was 13 years old. One month before my dad actually moved out, he was dating another woman and had no intentions of hiding it. He asked me if I was ok with it. Really? How could you ask me that? You are still married to my mother and you are still living with her. I told him that I was fine with it because I was only 13 and I had no idea how to express my feelings. He moved out about a month later and two months after that I cut off all ties with him. Why should I care about somebody that betrayed my family?

From about the age of 14 until I was 17, I started to act out and my family never understood why. I used to stay out until 4 in the morning drinking and doing whatever drugs I could get my hands on. I knew that there was something wrong with me at the time, but I couldn’t put my finger on it, nor did I want to admit it. There were two separate occasions when I cut myself and just wanted to die. I was 15 when I overdosed on over-the-counter medication. I was hoping that I would never wake up again, but I woke up at about 6 in the morning and threw up all morning. Although I hate to admit it, I think most of my depression comes from the fact that I was sexually abused as a child.

About two years ago I started a new job and I got really close really quick to my coworkers. They were the ones that encouraged me to go to counseling and get help. I went to counseling for about a few months, but I had to stop when I moved. There was a gap of seven months where I didn’t go to counseling, but I was on medication which was really helping me a lot. I just started going to counseling again last week because I do not want to depend on medication for the rest of my life. Tomorrow is going to be my second session with this counselor and I think that she is a really good match for me.

So about the medications that I am currently on, I was first prescribed Lexapro for depression and it really helped me out. Within the first week of taking it my friends noticed a difference. The only down side to taking this medication is that I have really crazy dreams. The dreams seem so real that at times I can’t tell the difference between reality and my dreams. I was prescribed Klonopin about three months after I started taking the Lexapro to help me with my anxiety. I only took it for a few days because I would feel like a zombie the whole day. For the past two weeks I have had three panic attacks, so I have started taking them again. The problem is that this medicine doesn’t work right away. You have to take it everyday in order for it to be effective.

So that is where I am at right now. I have my counseling appointment tomorrow at 8am and I will let you all know how it goes.

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