Counseling with the new BF

March 14, 2010 at 10:33 pm (Counseling)

I’ve been dating this guy for two months and already I am bringing him to counseling with me. It all started last Saturday. I was getting my bf’s name tattoed on my back while he was drinking and I wasn’t paying attention to how much he was drinking. I drove us back to his house and the second I parked the car he started to have a panic attack. He was going on and on about how everyone hates him and how he failed his kids. After I finally got him to calm down, we went in the house and he fell asleep within 20 minutes. About an hour later I woke him up to ask about some text messages in his phone (huge mistake). Everything that happened from there seemed like a bad dream to me. All I can remember is that he got really mad because he thought I was leaving and threw his phone twice and flipped over the coffee table. I took his phone and went downstairs so that I could call his roommate to let him know what was going on. While I was trying to do this, I could hear him upstairs screaming saying that he was going to kill himself. He walked downstairs and found me in the laundry room. I looked over at him and he had a pillowcase wrapped around his neck tightly. He didn’t say anything to me, he just fell into the pile of laundry that was on the ground. I climbed onto of him and struggled to untie the pillowcase. I was getting more and more upset because it felt like it took me forever to get it off and I didn’t want him to die. I finally got it off and checked his heart to make sure that he was still alive. I was so relieved when I could hear it beating. I don’t remember exactly what happened after that, but he ended up falling asleep in his bed and I could sleep at all. I finally heard his roommate come in at about 2am. I talked to him for about an hour about the events that had gone on that night. He explained to me that that’s not the person he really is, but that he is extremely stressed out because of the Navy. I didn’t sleep at all that night and I didn’t got to work the next day either. When my boyfriend finally woke up he apologized for everything that had happened the night before. He told me that he wanted to get help and go to counseling with me. This made me feel a little bit better because I just want him to be happy. I think that what scared me the most was that I had never seen this side of him and I didn’t know if it was the type of thing that he was going to pull all the time. Yesterday him and I went to counseling together and I have to say that the session went pretty well. Although I had a migrane the entire time, I was confident that I left there feeling like we did the right thing by going to see my counselor. However, I constantly think to myself, can two people truly be happy but have depression at the same time?

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Counseling

March 9, 2010 at 3:40 pm (Counseling)

This Saturday my boyfriend and I are going to my couseling session together. I have to admit that I get nervous right before I go into a session. I am always tempted to call and cancel my appointment, but I keep telling myself that I need to go. If you are interested in going to counselor, then you should definitely check out this website http://www.staffordfc.com/. The counselors that work here are great and I really feel like my counselor has already helped me out. They have offices in Woodbridge, Stafford, and Manassas. Before I started going to counseling, I was embarassed about going. I felt like because I couldn’t fix my depression myself, I had failed in some sort of way. I was surprised to find out how many of the people around me have been to a counselor or a psychiatrist. They all seemed so normal to me, so I always ask myself this question: What is normal? Who is normal and who isn’t? Maybe none of us are.

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Letter to my dad

March 3, 2010 at 3:26 pm (Counseling)

I went to my counselor today and we mostly talked about my family. I told her about how I wanted a better relationship with my dad, whom I haven’t talked to in seven years. She wants me to write a letter to my dad expressing my feelings and why I am so angry with him. She said that I did not have to give it to him, but it would be a good way to get things off of my chest. So here is my letter to my dad:

Dear dad,

It has been seven years since we have talked and you are probably wondering why this is, considering that I never gave you a reason. Throughout my entire childhood I felt as though you never cared. My grandmother told me there was a time when our refrigerator was broken and we weren’t able to keep food in there. Instead of spending money to fix it, you were too busy spending money on the other women that you were dating. You would much rather have your family starve in return for your own hapiness. Maybe if you had been around more, my brothers would never had laid a finger on me. I bet you never even knew that they touched me in inappropriate ways. And yes I do blame you for that because you and mom should have protected me. I think about it everyday and you have no idea how much it has affected my life. Would you even care if I told you what happened to me in the past? I get so angry at times that I just want to run away and start a new life. There were times when I was so down that I thought about killing myself. Why couldn’t you have been there more for me? Why did you let them take my childhood away from me? I have all of this anger built up inside of me and I have no idea what to do with it. You will never truly know how I feel. I am trying so hard to move on with my life, but I so badly want a connection with you because you are still my dad. I just want to feel like for once in my life that you actually care about me, but I don’t know if that will ever happen. I have so many emotions inside of me that I have no idea where to even begin. Maybe this letter will give you a clue as to how I feel and how much you have affected my life. Maybe you won’t even get this letter because I am still really mad at you. Should I even allow you to enter my life again? Even though you think that I have forgotten about you, I haven’t. I hope that one day we can reconnect and have that father-daughter relationship that has been missing for all of these years.

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