family

April 12, 2010 at 3:08 am (Uncategorized)

In one of my earlier posts I had mentioned that I was sexually abused by 3 of my brothers when I was younger. Although my mother and father didn’t abuse me I still hold so much anger inside of me that sometimes I start clenching my teeth when I think about my parents. They were supposed to be my protectors and I was left by myself. I wonder if what happened to me when I was younger has this weird affect on me now. I have never once said I love you to my parents and even hearing my mom chew food gets my angry. I have completely avoided my dad for the past 8 years and have not spoken to him. Sometimes I tell people that I don’t have a dad. The only person that I hug is my boyfriend. Whenever a friend or a family member tries to hug me it just feels akward. I feel emotionally disconnected from them. It’s like there’s a hole inside of me that needs to be filled and I don’t even know where I would get it from. The only brother that I talk to today is the one that didn’t abuse me. Although I have never talked about the abuse with my family, I get a sense that they know. My counselor has suggested that I talk  to my mom about it, but how weird would that be? One of my brothers is married and has a son. I don’t want to ruin his family even though he took something away from me that I will never get back. He took away my innocence as a child. How am I supposed to forgive someone that evil? And he just goes on living his life like nothing ever happened. Nothing good will come out of telling my family because it will probably just backfire on me. All my family did was tear me apart and they will never have anyone idea how I feel. It happened over 12 years ago but it’s hurting me the most right now. It’s a wound that may never heal.

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