Random Thoughts

March 24, 2010 at 2:33 pm (Uncategorized)

Have you ever woken up and thougth to yourself, why am I here? What is my purpose? Is it just to be a normal 21 year old and go out and drink and party? What is normal? I’ve asked this question to myself a few times and I still can not seem to find the answer that I am looking for. I sometimes think to myself that I have no purpose in life and it’s at those times that I get most depressed. What is the point of living without a purpose? I get so hopeless at times and I truly believe that no one in this world cares. I was in ninth grade when I first attempted suicide. I was with my best friend at the time and we were hanging out at my house. My boyfriend had just broken up with me and my best friend was talking to him on the phone. No, they weren’t talking about me, they were flirting with each other. And this was right in front of me! I felt so betrayed and just felt so useless. I took a few bottles of over-the counter pills from the medicine cabinet and I can’t tell you how many I took that night, it must have been anywhere from 30-40. I don’t think it was just the fact that my supposed “best friend” was talk to my ex, but so many things from my past had built up to this point. I remember taking the pills right in front of my friend and she did nothing to try and stop me. She actually thought it was kind of funny, what a friend! Anyways, I remember overdosing on the pills and just passing out on my bed. I woke up in the middle of the night and I couldn’t tell if I was really awake or if I was just dreaming. I turned my head to the side of the bed and threw up all over my friend’s school binder. I woke up the next morning and I had a very hard time breathing. I went straight to the bathroom and started throwing up again. My mom was home and she just assumed that I was sick. To be perfectly honest, I was just surprised that I was still alive. I went back into my room and I realized that I had not been dreaming, I really did throw up all over my friend’s binder. The shocking thing is, I still hung out with that same girl for the next three years. How could I continue to hang out with someone that only brought my self-esteem down? Maybe it’s because I was always use to people around me treating me that way.

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