March 30, 2010 at 5:49 am (Uncategorized)


I found this story on AOL news, so sad. What do you all think of the nine people that are being chared? Do you agree with it?

http://video.aol.com/aolvideo/AOL News/9-charged-following-suicide-of-bullied-girl/74517678001


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Random Thoughts

March 24, 2010 at 2:33 pm (Uncategorized)

Have you ever woken up and thougth to yourself, why am I here? What is my purpose? Is it just to be a normal 21 year old and go out and drink and party? What is normal? I’ve asked this question to myself a few times and I still can not seem to find the answer that I am looking for. I sometimes think to myself that I have no purpose in life and it’s at those times that I get most depressed. What is the point of living without a purpose? I get so hopeless at times and I truly believe that no one in this world cares. I was in ninth grade when I first attempted suicide. I was with my best friend at the time and we were hanging out at my house. My boyfriend had just broken up with me and my best friend was talking to him on the phone. No, they weren’t talking about me, they were flirting with each other. And this was right in front of me! I felt so betrayed and just felt so useless. I took a few bottles of over-the counter pills from the medicine cabinet and I can’t tell you how many I took that night, it must have been anywhere from 30-40. I don’t think it was just the fact that my supposed “best friend” was talk to my ex, but so many things from my past had built up to this point. I remember taking the pills right in front of my friend and she did nothing to try and stop me. She actually thought it was kind of funny, what a friend! Anyways, I remember overdosing on the pills and just passing out on my bed. I woke up in the middle of the night and I couldn’t tell if I was really awake or if I was just dreaming. I turned my head to the side of the bed and threw up all over my friend’s school binder. I woke up the next morning and I had a very hard time breathing. I went straight to the bathroom and started throwing up again. My mom was home and she just assumed that I was sick. To be perfectly honest, I was just surprised that I was still alive. I went back into my room and I realized that I had not been dreaming, I really did throw up all over my friend’s binder. The shocking thing is, I still hung out with that same girl for the next three years. How could I continue to hang out with someone that only brought my self-esteem down? Maybe it’s because I was always use to people around me treating me that way.

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not again

March 22, 2010 at 12:55 am (Uncategorized)

I went out with some friends last night and drank too much again. I have no business drinking in the first place and I just got completely wasted. I’ve been moping around all day feeling sorry for myself. I don’t really have much els to say, sorry this post is so short. I just don’t feel up to doing much of anything.

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Psychologist and Psychiatrist

March 18, 2010 at 6:02 pm (Uncategorized)

Many people do not know the difference between what a psychiatrist is and what a psychologist is. I am going to attempt to clarify the differences betweeen the two.

A psychiatrist can presribe you medication for a mental disorder. There is no real test that the doctor can give you to determine wether or not you have a mental disorder. At the first appointment, he or she will ask you a series of questions. The first time I went to see a psychiatrist, he asked me questions such as how often do you cry or have you ever thought about suicide. This process usually takes about 30 minutes. They might also ask you about your past and what is going on right now in the present. The doctor will then decide if they want to put you on any medication at all. The first medicine I was put on was Lexapro for anxiety and depression. It takes about 1-2 weeks for it to actually start working, if it works at all. I have been on Lexapro for about a year now and it has definitely helped me out. I still get sad from time to time, but I don’t get down all of the time like I use to. The doctor should tell you that you should also be going to counseling because medicine will not fix your problems. After my initial appointment, I went to the same doctor every month so that he could make sure that the medicine was working for me. The first appointment was for about 45min and the apppointments after that were 15min. The main thing we focused on was the medicine.

The psychologist is a different story. A psychologist or a therapist can not prescribe you medication. They are there to help you work through your problems. It was so crazy when I first started going to counseling. I thought that I would feel better right away, but the opposite actually happened. I found myself becoming drained of my emotions. She explained to me that this was normal and eventually it will get better. I only went to that counselor for a month because I did not feel like I was connecting with her. You may or may not find the right match the very first time. I really loved my second counselor. She worked with me a lot on my anxiety issues and I felt like she had a deep understanding of where I was coming from.

I hope that this information helps. I had to have a friend tell me the difference between the two, so don’t feel bad if you don’t know. It never hurts to ask.

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Counseling with the new BF

March 14, 2010 at 10:33 pm (Counseling)

I’ve been dating this guy for two months and already I am bringing him to counseling with me. It all started last Saturday. I was getting my bf’s name tattoed on my back while he was drinking and I wasn’t paying attention to how much he was drinking. I drove us back to his house and the second I parked the car he started to have a panic attack. He was going on and on about how everyone hates him and how he failed his kids. After I finally got him to calm down, we went in the house and he fell asleep within 20 minutes. About an hour later I woke him up to ask about some text messages in his phone (huge mistake). Everything that happened from there seemed like a bad dream to me. All I can remember is that he got really mad because he thought I was leaving and threw his phone twice and flipped over the coffee table. I took his phone and went downstairs so that I could call his roommate to let him know what was going on. While I was trying to do this, I could hear him upstairs screaming saying that he was going to kill himself. He walked downstairs and found me in the laundry room. I looked over at him and he had a pillowcase wrapped around his neck tightly. He didn’t say anything to me, he just fell into the pile of laundry that was on the ground. I climbed onto of him and struggled to untie the pillowcase. I was getting more and more upset because it felt like it took me forever to get it off and I didn’t want him to die. I finally got it off and checked his heart to make sure that he was still alive. I was so relieved when I could hear it beating. I don’t remember exactly what happened after that, but he ended up falling asleep in his bed and I could sleep at all. I finally heard his roommate come in at about 2am. I talked to him for about an hour about the events that had gone on that night. He explained to me that that’s not the person he really is, but that he is extremely stressed out because of the Navy. I didn’t sleep at all that night and I didn’t got to work the next day either. When my boyfriend finally woke up he apologized for everything that had happened the night before. He told me that he wanted to get help and go to counseling with me. This made me feel a little bit better because I just want him to be happy. I think that what scared me the most was that I had never seen this side of him and I didn’t know if it was the type of thing that he was going to pull all the time. Yesterday him and I went to counseling together and I have to say that the session went pretty well. Although I had a migrane the entire time, I was confident that I left there feeling like we did the right thing by going to see my counselor. However, I constantly think to myself, can two people truly be happy but have depression at the same time?

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A normal day

March 10, 2010 at 5:13 pm (Uncategorized)

So for a sense of relief, today is a fairly normal day. I got up, got ready for work and now I’m working on my homeowork. Although at times with my schedule I feel like I take on so much that I have no time to go through my emotions. I’m working full-time and also going to school full-time. On top of that, I am seeing a counselor once a week and I also have a boyfriend that isn’t exactly mentally stable either. In a way I think it’s good that I keep myself so busy because it distracts me from the things that are really bothering me. The bad thing is, when I go to see my counselor and we talk about issues with my family, all of those emotions start rushing back to me at once. It is almost overwhelming to actually have to deal with my own feelings. After my second session with this particular counselor, I had a little bit of a break down. I was lying in bed just thinking about my brothers and what they had done to me in the past. I got this feeling inside of me that no one in the world even cared about me. I got out of bed, got a knife from the kitchen and then went back into my room. I started to rub the blade of the knife against my wrist. I finally put the knife down after a few minutes and just ended up crying myself to sleep. I was disappointed in myself because I have cut myself before and I made a promise that I would never do it again. Although I didn’t end of cutting myself that night, I was seconds away from doing it.

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March 9, 2010 at 3:40 pm (Counseling)

This Saturday my boyfriend and I are going to my couseling session together. I have to admit that I get nervous right before I go into a session. I am always tempted to call and cancel my appointment, but I keep telling myself that I need to go. If you are interested in going to counselor, then you should definitely check out this website http://www.staffordfc.com/. The counselors that work here are great and I really feel like my counselor has already helped me out. They have offices in Woodbridge, Stafford, and Manassas. Before I started going to counseling, I was embarassed about going. I felt like because I couldn’t fix my depression myself, I had failed in some sort of way. I was surprised to find out how many of the people around me have been to a counselor or a psychiatrist. They all seemed so normal to me, so I always ask myself this question: What is normal? Who is normal and who isn’t? Maybe none of us are.

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Meds and drinks

March 8, 2010 at 3:20 pm (Uncategorized)

Why is it that we do things that we’re not supposed to do? Is that just human nature? I knew from the day that I started taking my medications that I wasn’t supposed to drink. Last Saturday I went out with a few friends to a club and I drank way too much. I can’t even tell you what I did the second half of the night because I don’t even remember. When you take an antidepressant and you drink on top of that, it’s almost as if you didn’t even take the medication because alcohol is a depressant. Even though I’ve put myself in the same situation a few times, when am I ever going to learn to stop? I need to worry more about being mentally healthy than drinking. I guess it’s hard because that’s what my friends do when they go out, they drink. No, they don’t pressure me, but I think I just want to let loose and have a good time too. I work full-time and go to school full-time, so they very few chances that I get to go out I do. I know that I can go overboard at times. I just need to make boundaries for myself. I know that I can go out and have a good time without getting wasted. In the end, I just want to be happy and healthy.

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Letter to my dad

March 3, 2010 at 3:26 pm (Counseling)

I went to my counselor today and we mostly talked about my family. I told her about how I wanted a better relationship with my dad, whom I haven’t talked to in seven years. She wants me to write a letter to my dad expressing my feelings and why I am so angry with him. She said that I did not have to give it to him, but it would be a good way to get things off of my chest. So here is my letter to my dad:

Dear dad,

It has been seven years since we have talked and you are probably wondering why this is, considering that I never gave you a reason. Throughout my entire childhood I felt as though you never cared. My grandmother told me there was a time when our refrigerator was broken and we weren’t able to keep food in there. Instead of spending money to fix it, you were too busy spending money on the other women that you were dating. You would much rather have your family starve in return for your own hapiness. Maybe if you had been around more, my brothers would never had laid a finger on me. I bet you never even knew that they touched me in inappropriate ways. And yes I do blame you for that because you and mom should have protected me. I think about it everyday and you have no idea how much it has affected my life. Would you even care if I told you what happened to me in the past? I get so angry at times that I just want to run away and start a new life. There were times when I was so down that I thought about killing myself. Why couldn’t you have been there more for me? Why did you let them take my childhood away from me? I have all of this anger built up inside of me and I have no idea what to do with it. You will never truly know how I feel. I am trying so hard to move on with my life, but I so badly want a connection with you because you are still my dad. I just want to feel like for once in my life that you actually care about me, but I don’t know if that will ever happen. I have so many emotions inside of me that I have no idea where to even begin. Maybe this letter will give you a clue as to how I feel and how much you have affected my life. Maybe you won’t even get this letter because I am still really mad at you. Should I even allow you to enter my life again? Even though you think that I have forgotten about you, I haven’t. I hope that one day we can reconnect and have that father-daughter relationship that has been missing for all of these years.

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Am I Normal?

March 2, 2010 at 11:20 pm (Intro.)

For the past six years of my life I have dealt with anxiety and depression. I want to give you all some background on me to see where I am coming from.

When I was six years old, three out of four of my brothers sexually abused me on several different occasions. My dad was more concerned about dating other girls and my mom worked and went to school full-time. The only people left to watch me were my brothers. It wasn’t until I was fifteen that I finally told someone. I didn’t realize how much it had affected my life until I actually told someone else. I still can’t go into the details about my abuse because it is still difficult to talk about even to this day.

My parents got divorced when I was 13 years old. One month before my dad actually moved out, he was dating another woman and had no intentions of hiding it. He asked me if I was ok with it. Really? How could you ask me that? You are still married to my mother and you are still living with her. I told him that I was fine with it because I was only 13 and I had no idea how to express my feelings. He moved out about a month later and two months after that I cut off all ties with him. Why should I care about somebody that betrayed my family?

From about the age of 14 until I was 17, I started to act out and my family never understood why. I used to stay out until 4 in the morning drinking and doing whatever drugs I could get my hands on. I knew that there was something wrong with me at the time, but I couldn’t put my finger on it, nor did I want to admit it. There were two separate occasions when I cut myself and just wanted to die. I was 15 when I overdosed on over-the-counter medication. I was hoping that I would never wake up again, but I woke up at about 6 in the morning and threw up all morning. Although I hate to admit it, I think most of my depression comes from the fact that I was sexually abused as a child.

About two years ago I started a new job and I got really close really quick to my coworkers. They were the ones that encouraged me to go to counseling and get help. I went to counseling for about a few months, but I had to stop when I moved. There was a gap of seven months where I didn’t go to counseling, but I was on medication which was really helping me a lot. I just started going to counseling again last week because I do not want to depend on medication for the rest of my life. Tomorrow is going to be my second session with this counselor and I think that she is a really good match for me.

So about the medications that I am currently on, I was first prescribed Lexapro for depression and it really helped me out. Within the first week of taking it my friends noticed a difference. The only down side to taking this medication is that I have really crazy dreams. The dreams seem so real that at times I can’t tell the difference between reality and my dreams. I was prescribed Klonopin about three months after I started taking the Lexapro to help me with my anxiety. I only took it for a few days because I would feel like a zombie the whole day. For the past two weeks I have had three panic attacks, so I have started taking them again. The problem is that this medicine doesn’t work right away. You have to take it everyday in order for it to be effective.

So that is where I am at right now. I have my counseling appointment tomorrow at 8am and I will let you all know how it goes.

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